A BIT OF OUR NOW.

it is a cold and foggy friday morning in august, and i have been sitting on this blog post for two weeks now. i began writing it at 29 weeks, and now i'm at 31. my coffee has gone cold and the daniel tiger opening song has been stuck in my head for days.

yesterday afternoon, we went shopping as a family for my brother and sister-in-law who live in france who just had their first son last week. while there, i couldn't help but pick up a few things for our october baby, one of which was a pale paisley onesie. i reasoned it out by saying if we have a boy, then one of my friends will eventually have a girl along the road and she can have it, or i'll ask to exchange it with a wonderful explanation i've already sorted.

i have been thinking about so much lately, mostly about the delicacy of our right now. i find myself studying augustus in a way that has become so essential for me to even make it through the days. i study him like a steady surgeon, deliberate and delicate with my time. i hold him and whisper great things about him. i tell him how special he is, how important it is to be gentle and kind, and to always try to do the right thing. i tell him to be nice to animals and bugs, people and things. to stand up for what he believes in. to follow whatever is inside his big bold heart.

i notice the way he runs across our floor, his tiny feet slamming against the hardwood floor with a sound only he can make. i notice the way he searches for the lids to his smoothies, the way he sucks the milk out of his cereal in the morning, the way he runs towards to me when he hears the very scary sounds of motorcycles pass by our home. i notice the way he moves inside his baths, touching the bubbles, his little slippery bum bobbing in the water like a ping pong ball. i notice the way he looks for me when i've gone into another room, the way he kindly asks for more bananas, more ice cream, more watermelon. 

i wait for him to wake me up each morning, slowly tapping on my face, "hey mama, hiiii" he says as the rest of his little milky body wakes up. i live to pick him up and place him on our counters every friday afternoon, to bake something together, like we always have. "ok mama, one more" he says, holding up his pointer finger.

i live for our right now. for what we have together, just us three. i live for spending every waking moment consumed by his beautiful little soul. i live for caring for him, making sure he has all he needs, within my means.

and.

i live for dreaming of what our 'right now' will be, just eight or so weeks from this moment, when his baby brother or sister will arrive. i live for dreaming about what kind of life that will feel like.

i don't exactly know what it will be like, but i know it will be all i could ever dream about. i know it will be as delicate as now, even more so, i think, because i will then have two souls to embrace, two souls to love, two souls to call my own.

two souls to wake to each morning. and kiss each and every night.

/in love with this clothing line, and this dress in particular

/ a great giveaway for a great cause hosted by the amazing lindsay of darling clementine

/currently reading this mothering book

/ wish list cookbook

/ have you heard of these? my french sis-in-law told me about them. intriguing.

/ we started this show a few nights ago

/ need to make this cake soon

MORNING THOUGHTS/ 27 WEEKS

"Wishing you a day of remaining in the moment. Not the past or future or story. Not your thoughts or anxieties or lists. But right here, right now, straight into the center "

|Victoria Erickson

while steve and augustus prepare the morning coffee together, to which gus calls "coffee time," i usually lay like a lazy cat in bed for a few lingering minutes, just to have a moment all my own before i begin the day. i can always hear the grinding of the coffee beans, our boy's little voice saying, "ok daddy, i be cawful" and the whistling of the yellow kettle telling them its time.

i lay there, staring out our windows which sit across from our bed, and gaze. i don't know what i think about, if i'm thinking at all, or if i even need to. i just feel alive and calm. quiet and relaxed.

soon after these moments, i hear two tiny feet running down our hallway, rounding the corner, abruptly stopping at the side of our bed. within those seconds, i make sure i've pulled back the pillows to see his beautiful face pop over the covers."ok mama, coffee time!" he says, and that's my que to make my way out of bed. usually he runs back out, ready for his morning oatmeal, and i stumble trying to find my robe and socks.

i shut our closet door, and stand in front of it. not an easy task for someone with severe and perpetual body image disorders, but i do it. i lift up my too-many-nights-slept-in vintage nighty and turn my body. once to the right. pause. once to the left. pause. i see if we've grown. i examine my stretching skin.

i secretly, quietly, and deeply smile.

another day. more progress. more growth. more love. more love. more love. more love.

this time around, the days have been much harder. my breath is much heavier. my heart literally races and hurts, all day. my blood pressure drops immensely for no reason, and i have to quickly sit for fear of falling. without an explanation, i keep hope. i keep faith. i trust. i assume this is all a part of my voyage, one that will sail straight to her arms. or his.

i dare not wish a minute of it away. or wish for the days for it to be over. i love every second. i love every ache. every lost breath. every skipped heartbeat. each sciatic nerve collapsing. every part of my body fighting to be the best possible home and host to our light. it's all wrapped up in this package we will hold come less than three months from this moment. it's all progressing towards our new and beautiful baby.

1/ tea time in bed
2/ 27 weeks, the photo of this entire post
3/ my little boy angel, asleep in the pretzel twists of my legs
4/ upon waking
5/ nursery dreaming
6/ a corner of the nursery
7/ lemon-poppy bundt cake decorated with pansies (made with my mama)
8/ waiting on the water to heat, a practice in patience
9/ the sweetest image: dad and gus putting together his "big boy bed"
10/ most afternoons, shirtless for the both of us
11/ coming back from the market with flowers peeking out of his backpack ;)

/ this song
/ this recipe (i added roasted chickpeas too)
/ this short documentary - i love the handmade knives
/ this hair
/ i would rather have them than a million dollars. photo 11 killlsss me.

WE ARE HAVING A BABY

these past three months have been concentrated in abundance and beauty and more blessings than i'm warranted. we have hoped and prayed and dreamed about this baby for so long now, so to be carrying her - or him - inside me feels like a new planet that houses oxygen and water has been discovered. how can something so miraculous be happening?

our little one is due a week before halloween. we will have two babies to dress up now. i'm already wondering what they will be. wouldn't it be beautiful to dress them alike?

i can't wait to spend the summer in sundresses with my husband's hand on my stomach, whispering the dreams we have for him - or her, wondering, just like with gus, who they will become. whose eyes will they have? will they get my freckles or his curly hair? will they get his personality or my shyness? will they like the way i read to them, just like gus does? or will they want to be sung to instead?

we have been preparing our garden for ripe vegetables and fruit, centered around some of my very favorite cravings like cucumbers and fresh juicy tomatoes and watermelon so red you'd imagine them to share a bloodline with ruby's.

there is so much joy already and there is so much more joy to come. this time is precious. this life is precious. and this baby.

oh, this baby is precious.

keep growing, our little love. keep breathing inside me until i can breathe you out.

AN AFTERNOON AT THE PARK.

his favorite book is a book that our doctor gave to him, with hard cardboard pages that have medium sized comic sans words under each picture. he knows all the words and pictures in the book and gets so excited when i ask him to find the chair. or girl. or fish. when i applaud him with great joy, he nearly jumps into the air and applauds right alongside me, with his beautiful new proud face. the only word he was stuck on was duck, which makes sense since it is essentially the one picture of an animal he hasn't actually seen.

so today, i wanted him to experience and see them for the first time. and i wanted to do it together, as a tiny family of three.

if there were a moment i could still, it would be this one. the way he would spin and jump and clap and laugh with such purity. the way he would carefully rip the bread and throw it ever so gently into the water. the way papa would zip up both their jackets and hold him up high with such love.

if only he knew the way my heart beats in the moments that make him so utterly happy. 

//also

i love singing this song to gus, and i love this version, mostly because of the humming/ this song

MY SMALL APOTHECARY.

over the past year, i have slowly grown my apothecary collection to match my needs. growing up, i always said that my lack of knowledge in the makeup/hair/skin department was because i never had an older sister (i still use that as an excuse when it comes to my hair because i am terribleeee at it.)  i always thought all my friends with older sisters were always five steps ahead of me because they learned by doing. i on the other hand, was incredibly awkward and thought that applying heavy gothic penciled eyeliner to the bottoms of my eyelids was the only way to go.

i am in my mid 20s now and i'm learning how important it is to take care of our bodies from the insides out. i have learned that the less ingredients any product has, the better. i try to apply that to how i feed my family, too (though, sometimes it's hard).

my makeup routine is incredibly simple and rarely changes from day to day. a bit of foundation under my eyes, mineral powder, mascara and a lip stain or matte pencil. i wish i was experimental but i'm truly not. i am a deep creature of habit and end up rubbing anything off that feels too heavy (which is why i don't wear lipgloss, ever) and always end up sticking to what i know. and when it comes to my skin and hair routine, i think that like most women, it's a work in progress.

my hair is usually duhl and dry (thanks postpartum!) and i haven't owned a blow dryer in like a year. but, i've found that adding some moroccan oil at night and after i shower has added a lot of shine and silk to my very bleh hair. i've also massaged coconut oil into my strands and then into a braid at night. i've also started taking gummy vitamins dedicated for hair, skin and nails.

for my skin, i always wash with cetaphil and have now completely fallen for my sweet friend lauren's new line, moonrise creek. i cannot even begin to explain how incredible her products are and how much my skin loves them. i spray the rose astringent when i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and absolutely love her oils and moisturizer. i make sure to rub it into my pores and down my neck. the fact that she makes all these products by hand with a little one at her feet and one on the way just astounds me. (you can find her on instagram @moonrisecreek)

i also really love using my essential oil drops for pregnancy. just a few drops into sparkling water works wonders on my soul.

i would love to know what are your favorite natural products that you use on your beautiful bodies. i always find it so fascinating to see how other women love their body.

from left to right:

favorite lotion (from world market) 

argan moroccan oil

moonrise creek essential oils

moonrise creek tightening astringent + rose spray

burt's bees facial scrub

moonrise creek moisturizer

oil drops (from whole foods)

intensive hair oil

vitamins

chapstick (from whole foods)

moonrisecreek berry balm

favorite hair ties

xo