January 7, 2021

a child is born/ a new year

i am sitting in the dark of our room, 6:35am, seventh of january. the curtain is drawn it could be raining but i wouldn't know. i look over to see my husband lit by the glow of his phone ~ checking his stocks, thumb smoothing over his bottom lip. he's taken up day trading in this great pause of our life, and he's actually become very good. he peels himself from our warm, gold filagree flannel sheets and stands up, making the signal for coffee towards me (two fingers pressed together, tilting wrist). i nod yes and smile, giddy.

our third child sleeps pressed against me through this early morning affair. she is so warm and peach-soft, the smell of midnight stars. Opaline Violette, born to us on the autumn solstice, a warm day in september. she is quiet like a fairy librarian and could watch the world from my arms for hours upon hours. she sleeps at her certain hours and there is sound when she smiles. she coos and squeals and i swear to god her joy has become my air. she is petite, unlike her birth weight, and long like an accordian, a ballerina, a blue iris. her ears tip out like her brother's, which actually come from their great grampy jim. 

her skin is like olive moonmilk.

 and when her big sister holds her i think: 

mother of daughters, mother of sisters, mother of women.

 


oh, the weight that carries. to mother anything at all, the weight it carries and will always carry, i have tried harder than ever before to not let the door of my insecurities swing open, but the winds inside me are strong and they have been let out to roam. i have remained quiet in my attempts to usher them back but it is not working. and it is harder than i thought.

but, things are helping, every day. the small joys, the saving-graces.

the paperwhites peeling open, my mourning doves named jack and rose, the long mornings spinning around the planet of our bed, the boiled eggs and endless jars of granola, all the watercoloring by candlelight, the new black elliptical next to the sea of his records, the wet walks, the endless characters cauliflower can take on in our meals, the journaling, the activated apple watch after years of confusion, the witch hazel and rose spray and face serums, the new found love for Outlander, the whimsy gin, the tiny harrogate daffodils held by seven year old hands, the blue le creuset, the soft white nightgown that flutters at the neck.



the dried orange garland is still up, the children should be reading, and the floorboards need tending to. a neighbor with swanwhite hair left a manilla envelope on our doorstep, "for the magical moon's." a booklet of poetry she had written, bound in handmade paper. 

whenever we see two things together, stones, trees, two buds on the same vine, we say "friends" like bob ross teaches us to.

the news updates get switched off. too much darkness for one hour.

a can of magnolia black paint in a black-and-white striped can sits on our table. 

time for something new.

14 comments:

  1. Hello Love! It's so good to read your words and see your faces here. What a world it is, huh? Hold eachother softly yet tight and keep enjoying the small, beautiful things. Sending you so much love! - Michelle Renee (Conchus Shell - no longer on IG) but here's my new blog/website: www.conchusshell.com

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    1. oh hello my beautiful michelle@ i am so overjoyed to see you here! what a delight in my day. thank you writing me ~ if i can figure out how to follow you, i will in a heartbeat (i can barely can figure out my own blog lol). hoping your year is being kind to your big heart ~ now, more than ever.

      love always,
      k xxo

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  2. I was thinking about you today, sweet Mrs. Moon! I don’t have a blog but enjoy reading your blog posts. When I don’t feel at ease, I often go and look at your posts as a way to escape the darkness and enter into a soft place. Thank you for sharing your gift of words with us. God bless you. ❤️

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    1. o my darling louisa, such joy to hear from you! instagram has been moving so fast and is so big and wild and it was starting to play on my heart.the golden years are happening in front of my eyes and i want to live them deeply. thank you for writing me, write as much as you'd like, i will be here to catch it all. bless you my sweet friend.

      love always,
      k xxo

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  3. hello! it’s kelsey, @willowwoodkelsey {IG}. my world is growing slower and softer since the new year, and this corner, your corner, is the loveliest gift suited to perfection for this new season! i’ve been feeling a pulling away from the frenzy of social media, but refrained, because souls like you, your words, your pictures. your perspective have been such a joy to me the past few years, so formative in my taking courage to be tender and beauty loving, whatever the world might say. so i’m so glad, euphoric even, that you’ll continue to share here. know that you are a hero to some, a rare hero, who makes it easier to face the world. i don’t have a blog yet myself, but i hope to, and i’ll let you know when she takes her first flight. blessings on you & your family in this coming year!

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  4. I love your words and your visual diary. Pure poetry. I hope to be as good of a blogger as you- you’re a true inspiration! I’ve got a new blog πŸ₯Ί www.motherseason.co 🌦✨πŸŒΏπŸ‘ΌπŸ»πŸ€

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  5. I love your words and your heart. You truly are such a beautiful person!!!


    https://kaydeebeedy.wixsite.com/coffeewithkaydee

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  6. How I’ve missed your words and images. I haven’t been on Instagram much lately at all, so it was pure chance I caught your story today. I’m so glad I did. Thank you for sharing the beautiful, quiet moments. My blog needs ALOT of work, and I intend on posting regularly soon, but in the meantime, I do have old posts, including some of my poetry if you care to take a gander. www.caitlingemmell.com

    Much love,
    Cait

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  7. Love you, lady, and love your writing. It's COVID, a scary time for the country politically, winter, and you had a baby recently! That's a lot contributing to not quite feeling like yourself, so give yourself some grace. I think last year and this year are going to take some years off our lives with all the stress.

    This is our site: theintercoastals.com I haven't been able to spend much time on it since COVID/starting my new job, but I'm still trying!

    Love you, Kerrie.
    -Amanda

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  8. Hiii my blog is www.americanflavorlatinspice.com
    Hope we can connect :)

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  9. Glad to see you blogging, your voice in this world is a breath of fresh air.

    I’m trying to blog again & am just working on my site, ourpeachtreehouse.com

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  10. So lovely to read your words in this space. Unlike social media, blogs are still a soft place for me to land, and I love visiting others' worlds and words. Thank you for sharing your heart in such a beautiful, gentle way. It's truly and inspiration and light to this fellow mama and many many others. Take care and please keep writing and photographing! ~ Jenn ~ https://theoilrainbows.wordpress.com/

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  11. oooh your words; like loving rose petal scent and warm beeswax balm on cold winter eve. you are beautiful; writing, photos, and soul! my heartstrings are drawn by your language. if you'd like a cake slice of my own writing, you can find me here: https://bluesfrombutterflies.wordpress.com/

    xo Ashley

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  12. Your words are always so lovely ☺️ they make me feel like there is still so much beauty and magic in the world. My blog is anchored in light.com

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