July 9, 2020

week twenty-nine

week twenty-nine with you, sweet love. this week your bassinet arrived, as did your first set of clothing and the first pink cosmo (it's as tall as the home you are growing in).  and these are just some jittery and fidgety photos of your mother taken in like a minute. i was just filled with so much love for you in this moment beside your bassinet, beside the cosmos, beside your almost-ness. i haven't taken many photos of us whatsoever, so these are for you.

i play this song a lot. i wonder if you will have dark curls. or blue eyes like your brother. or hazely-brown eyes like your sister.  a small freckle on your wrists. dimples above your peach-bum. a soft cry. a deep gaze. will you know me by my voice or by my heartbeat?

the body you share with me feels ancient and seasoned. i apologize to you when my tears fall (you must be able to feel them if you can hear me) and a curse word falls from my mouth when i am unable to stand. i don't remember feeling buried in this type of physical pain but perhaps it is the body that allows our minds to forget the sacrifices that come with the sacred gift of carrying life. some days i can walk in an orchard of plum trees. some days i simply cannot. they are never split into good days or bad days: they are our days. the pain is a reminder that you are growing and alive and that i am carrying two hearts in one vessel. it is a gift. it is my honor.

nana is coming over on her lunch break to look at your new items. i will be making egg salad on sourdough bread with pickles and vinegar chips on the side. she loves you so much. your brother and sister love her beyond any words that i can mortally speak. when you meet her, you'll know this love, too.

daddy and i stood in the kitchen a moment ago. he held me and said "it is the most beautiful thing to be standing next to my girls. the distance from where i can hold you keeps growing because she's growing, that will never cease to amaze me."

'cause you are loved
you are loved more than you know
i hereby pledge all of my days
to prove it so
though your heart is far too young to realize
the unimaginable light you hold inside

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